So Many Unanswered Question.....

A friend of mines forwarded this writings to me from some that she knows.........(This is MY EXACT FEELING somewhere deep inside)

Everyone loves someone BUT... In these times there is no such thing as unconditional love. Soul washing. Taking your spirit to the cleaners. I can't open my mind, I'm stuck on the.. I'm sorry i can t be perfect How do I tell you that i have priorities that are more important than you, not in my heart... But yes in my heart. How do I try and get you to understand that I love you BUT you can't be my everything? How can I expect you to except the fact that this is a conditional love with exception, that may cause you to develope low self esteem later on down the line. Is it selfish of me to want you to feel this unconditional love that can not be reciprocated to you? Or is it selfish of you to realize you deserve better and leave because you can't the pressure of love with aches? Should I be mad? Should you be mad? Must this be the base of every argument? Can we both just get along and live life without thinking so much?... Or do we both do just that, move on with our lives without looking back? ...So many unanswered questions......By Joey B

We Have a New Leader in Office......

As i awoke yesterday and went to work all i can think of is YES WE CAN and YES WE DID.......We finally have a person in office as our Presidnet of the United States that is goin to hopefully and Possible Change the world. We Fianlly have someone who is going to speak for us as one and bring this country that we call the "Land of the Free" to unity. We fianlly have someone who is not goin to ingnore out cries of equalty and peace for all. Not only do we have an educated leader with an emaculant educational background, But he is Also African American....i never though the day will come but it did......

A Black Girl in Heaven

So over this past weekend, My 17 year old sister came in the house Sunday morn at 5am (yea i no) from a party in Bed Stuy "The Elks Club". My sis came in the house frantic saying that they "shot her in her neck OMG it was blood everywhere". I asked My sis what happen and tried to Calm her down and she stated that she went to the Elks wit her friend and some bloods and crips were arguing(teenage Gangs) and a girl got shot in her neck. My sis stated that the girl was bleedin all over and she was looking at my sis for help but she couldnt help her. So we all went to sleep and as we woke up and turn on the news there it was. 17-year-old honors student Nyasia Pryear-Yard shot while dancing at Brooklyn club. My sis was so frantoc and nervous bc all she kep saying was "she was looking at me askin me for help and i couldnt help her". I tunred to my sis and told her that there was nothing that she could have done to save her as she was shot in her neck and she was bleeding from her mouth. The girl was pronunced dead at 4am. CAn u imagin the pain and agony that her parents are feeling right now as she was the only child. SMH....all i kep thinking this past weekend was "Nyasia Pryear counld have been Shana Llewellyn.....My sis".......

CLASSIC MOVIE (NOTORIOUS BIG)

IF U have not seen the movie already u ned to go and see it right away. The Movie was off the hook. OMG everyone in the movie did a great job. I dont know about any one else but the movie took me back to the days in the 90's when i was in high school (shout out to BGHS) the heart of Bedstuy...going to school hearing Biggie music played on the radio and coming home from schoool hearing the same thing. Most of the ppl that went to the High was from Bedstuy so they was reppin BIGGIE hard. i can even rem the day he died everyone was so sad, it felt like one of our familiy memebers past away. Also the day of his funeral when he rode through the Stuy one last time. I can rem it like it was yesterday but unfortunaly i couldnt get out of class that day to go over to where his was but when i got home and watched the news and seen all those ppl out side it was amazing...u could feel the love reflecting from the TV. Watchiung the movie and seeing that part at the end was great and it brought a tear to my eye as i know that i was around during those times and the impact that it had on everyone from Brooklyn. I seen the movie at Court Street movie therater Downtown Brooklyn and the amount of ppl that were tyhere it wa crazy. All through themovie when they played any song of BIGGIE's the crown wenty crazy it felt like you was in a party. Even when the movie was over you could hera the crowd chanting BBBBBBBRRRRRROOOOOOOKKKKKLLLLYYYYYYNNNNNN and i was rite along with them. The movie was a hit... a must see if you havent seen it already.........i love everything about the movie except fot the way my girl LIL KIM was portrayed. I was a die hard kim fan back in the day (until she started fucking with her face). but i believ that her realionship with Biggie was more than just sex and only making records. I belive they had they on little specila love for each othter and that was not displayed in the movie.... Also Faith was not such as goodie tooshu as she was portrayed to be.....But overrall the movie was good.....Shout out to biggies daughter Tiana that was played by my best friend's friend daughetr Taylor Dior and Von Jeff that was in the funeral scene at the end as Busta rythems..........GO SEE THE MOVIE.....

What do u call Her?

What do u call a female who feels like she is trapped in a life that's not hers....a female who from the first moment she kissed another female she loved it but still felt awkward in the moment...a female who have always had a physical and mental attraction to other females... A female who dated men all her life but somewhere in a small portion of her conscience thoughts she thought of being with a female....a female who have been wit a woman for the first time and the experince so beautiful on every level, yet in still this female went back to the comfort of a male bc it was socially not accepted to be with someone of the same sex....a female who has a child with a male but the phycial emotional and mental attraction n attention is not there....a feamle who had enuff of supressing these inner females n is ready n prepared to deal with whatever society has to offer in regards to her sexuality...a female whi is reader to finall be happy as this is where she feel like she belongs...I ask u my readers what do u call This female??????

Village Underground

So Last night I went out wit someone I'm dating and I must say I had the best date so far.....we went to "Fat Black....something"(sorry the name escapes me) but it was an open mic session where ppl went on stage and and sang there hearts out....it was a kind of Neo Soul type night. The singers were Absolutley great. I have always wanted to go to one of these hidden underground session but neva had anyone that would go wit me bc all I would hear is "o that's so boring and why u like that kind of music" but I dnt like that kind of music I love it...You know the voice of Leela James n Corrine Bailey Rae n O Macy Grey.Yea that's my kinda music.....well The atmosphere reminded me of one of my favorite movies "Love Jones"...I mean the scene was the same exact picture except I didn't have my special person resite a poem or sing a song for me....hmmmmm maybe next time.....

Some ppl Just have to be VALIDATED

So one of my ex's hit me up this morn and stated that they had a dream abt me last night so they felt the need to hit me up. I said ok. Then we began talking abt the update of our lives since we last intertwined...They then turn around n tells me that they have a new girlfriend BLACK AND INDIAN and i can check her myspace page out at brighteyes0741@aol.com... ((some shit like that)). First of all i dnt knwo what the "Black and Indian" comment was about, o what i was suppose to say "o she's indian so she must have good hear"....NEVER GONNA HAPPEN because i am so comfortable with my Black self that i am not for one minute moved by some Indain chick (no offense to Indains...love u still).....so of course i check out the page (inquiring minds just wanted to know) and she is a light skin female with nice dark hair and a nice shape...then i see my ex all up on her page like if they were together forever....WHATEVER.... I guess my ex wanted to just show me that they moved on....ok thats nice because i to have moved on to bigger and better things and not for one minute was i or am i intimidated by their BLACK AND INDIAN girlfiend...please....im just glad that i am no longer with the person for my own perosonal reasons (Controling Bastard...lol..) n i am glad that they moved on....Im so Poshed that my ex had to engilned me.....But how dare ppl.....wow some ppl really need to be validated to the point where its sickining....Well back to my colorful life in my colorful world with my colorful ppl......Toddles

Im falling and i cant get up......

Well i have been talkin to someone for ummm idk a month or so and i am really into this person ( i think a lit bit to much). you know that beginning gitters where your always thinking abt the person, you guys are going out and things are all heading in a postive direction...well yea thats where im at rite now. But recently this person has been acting funny, meaning not wanting to talk on the fon when we have been speaking for hours and hours before and i just felt like the person kind of pulled back on me (interest wise). we discussed the issue and we both came to the understaning that it was just miscommunication or so we thought, but i still feel funny an awkard about the situation. I mean i like the shit outta this person but im not gonna be some ones fool or play toy and somewhere in the back of my head i still have the ideas and the images that this person is stiil in love with there ex-partner and there is hopes on them reuiniting. i no i sound dumb bc im basically setting myself up for failure if i already have these thoughts. Not to mention i had a dream about the person telling me that they dont wanna deal with me anymore, and trust me my dreams always come true....but for some reason i cant let this one go its like something is making me stay here and i dont know what it is.....My heart wanna stay and explore the possiblities but my mind is telling me to leave......please help bc im have fallin for this woman and i cant get up.....

*I lIsten with my EYES*

I cant belive It.....1+3=4

Yes 1+3=4....my baby is gonna be 4 years old in 3days....Im shocked and in awww bc i rem it like it was yesterday. The first day that i seen him enter this world through the 5 inch cut that i have on my stomach. i rem looking at him for the first time and saying to myslef " he looks like my lil sis, lee". i couldnt belive that i have someone to call my own, someone that i know will never hurt me or leave me, someone that has to look up to me for guidance now. it was scary and a good feeling at the same time....Someone calls me, Mo, MOMMY or MA MA MA MA MUMMy Momma ((stewie from family guy... a must see). But i was told again by a wise one (DB) that when we lose someone or something in life we gain somethig in return. So i guess when i lost my dad 20 years ago ((((WOW))) i gained my son 17 years later. Amazing, but i guess that's apart of life. But yes i am a mother of a 4 years old sounds crazy as hell but feels so good. So until Sunday 1/11/09 HAPPY BDAY MALI....as everyone would say my twin...Mommy Loves U......MUAHHHH

Lions, Tigers and Bear.....O MY

Im not scared of Lions and Tigers and Bears, but im scared of loving u, Im not scared to perform at a sold out affair but im scared of loving you. Am i the only one who think its an impossible task? why it dont last is this two much to ask? why do we love love when loves seems to hate us?

Why is this? we as humans are not scare to do the most pressing and daring things but we are scared to do the simplest task......LOVE SOMEONE...i think obv its the fear of getting hurt of course but if we new the recipe for our lives then we would not be the person that we are today....Think about it ((i no its cliche but seriously)), if i didnt go through what i have been through in my life's journey then i would not like the person that i might have become. So from now on Love hard as hell as if it was the last person that u will ever be with, give as much as you can, sacrafice everything ((wait not everything.....lol)) and just LOVE.....that's the path im heading in....hey we only live once so imma live it up....

*I Listen with my EYES*

I Sleep with My Shoes on Bc in my DREAMS im Always Making Moves

I love this quote....because it symbolizes the way i view myself. Just because i lay down to sleep everynight does not mean i dont stop making moves. As i wake in the morning im moving and when i lay down in the night to relax myslef and rest my thoughts im still moving. when i dream l tend to travel to places that i want to be and often times i find myself in places that i dont ever wana visit again. Its funny because i have heard that our dreams are what's in out subconscious mind but why do they feel so real? and why do they come true? seriously when i dream about something or someone 9 times outta 10 my dream will manifest. A week before my aunt passed away last year (7 days before my bday), my father came to me (RIP DADDY) and told me that my aunt will not suffer anymore....i then turned to my ex-bff and told her that my aunt is going to die this week and sure enough she died. I then had another dream recently about a woman named Beverly and the words we still love u or i still love u and sure enough that same week my mom Beverly said those words to me.....It was weird as hell....i dnt know.do your dreams come to life when u dream them....sh*& well mines do and that is the reason why I must wear my shoes in my dream bc if i dont them my feet would be dirty....

WHAT IS HAPPINESS??

A wise person said to me "Dont Compromise ya Happiness to be comfortable....Struggle to be Happy"..... At first i didn't quite understand but now i get it. For several years i have been living the life that others want me to live and it's not until recently that i realized i need to start living my OWN life. I am tired of doing things jus to please others or society. I am what i am and i like what i like. There comes a point in time when u look at yourself and you say enough is enough. Enough hurting inside and out, enough liying and cheating, enough protraying false images and hopes....i just had enough....but not this year. This year is my year, let me say it again...THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR OF THE REAL ME......like it or not...i need to live a new life a new day a new way of thinking and of being for if i dont i will not only be hurting myslef but i will be killing my inner spirits that is dying to come out.....So no more being comfortable just because others want me to be, no more being comfortable because its the easy way out and its more accepted by SOCIETY.....as i post this blog i am saying NOMORE......its time to STRUGGLE FOR HAPPINESS........Thanks Divine...